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Royalty Schmoyalty...

posted Apr 29, 2011, 9:40 AM by Heather S   [ updated Apr 29, 2011, 10:21 AM ]

I can’t really comprehend why people still care about the British royal family.    What’s the draw?  First of all they are not the only royal family on the planet so why are they so much more important than, say, the royal family of Swaziland?  The current King Mswati III has 14 wives and 23 kids.  Why aren’t the paparazzi swarming around them? 

When King Mswati3 picked his 14th wife back in 2007, did any of you watch?   Shame, ‘cause I can pretty much guarantee it was much more entertaining than Katie and Billy’s wedding.   You see, in Swaziland, the actual wife selection seems to be the important ceremony, so when the good ole king decided 13 wives just wasn’t enough, he went a’trollin for a new fangled bride at the annual Umhlanga (reed dance) festival whereby  Tens of thousands of chanting, bare-breasted maidens… paraded before the King of Swaziland… hoping to catch his eye and be picked out to become his 14th wife.”

Well THAT’S a spectacle that might be worth watching, no?  But alas, it didn’t make it to any of the major networks.   

But regardless of all that, why do we condone royalty in this day and age anyway.  Generally royal rule = fascist and fascism is generally frowned upon in the free world. 

Now I do realize that the British royal family does not rule anything anymore (other than the world’s hearts, of course <gag>), but that seems to even further beg the question: Why do people still give a flying fuck about them and the people they have chosen to bone for all eternity?

Well some people liken them to modern-day celebrities.   People revere rock stars and movie stars and that’s similar, isn’t it?  Well it’s sort of similar but there are huge differences: 1) when was the last time the country shut down because some Hollywood celebrity got married?  Did we all get up early to watch Brad and Angie get married?  Were we counting down the days?  And 2) movie stars and rock stars actually entertain us because they have some sort of talent (even if marginal).

When was the last time a royal did anything remotely entertaining?  Never.  You know why?  Because they’re royal and WE are the dancing monkeys.  Not them.

But regardless of all that, if I’m gonna care about one of the British princes it would be all about Harry.  For one thing, Harry actually has all of his hair and he is by far the more attractive prince. 

But the other thing is: doesn’t Willy look like he’s got a little willy?  There’s just something about him that screams, “I suck in bed.”   Obviously this is pure speculation on my part, but my gut tells me that I am correct on this one.  He’s got this look about him that seems to indicate small penis and premature ejaculator.

Harry on the other hand seems like he’d be a stallion in bed, not that I’d ever find out of course, but I can’t lie.  I’d hit that. 

And how awesome would it be if Harry married a porn star or a stripper.

Now THAT’S a wedding that I’d get up early to watch.