Ever heard of the Holstee Manifesto?  Perhaps not by name, but you may recognize it.  It’s been around since 2009. You can read about it on their website where they pimp out various and sundry wares bearing touchy feely proclamations inciting people to give The Man a big “fuck you”, thus blissfully plummeting into a life of peace, love, understanding, and poverty.  If you haven’t seen it, take a gander below:

 

Sounds great, doesn’t it? It’s fucking utopia, isn’t it? And so so easy when it’s written out like that. Don’t you read it and then suddenly feel like “aha! HERE is the key to my happiness. I’d never THOUGHT that such things could make me happy. All of the answers to my life are written here!” It almost brings a tear to my cynical eye. Almost. 

But just for shits and giggles, let’s break this down a bit.

Do what you love and do it often!

Done! I like watching TV, eating fattening food and fucking  (not necessarily at the same time). How about you?

If you don’t like something, change it.

OK. Well....I’m not a fan of Dan Snyder owning the Redskins. Being that later in this manifesto it suggests that I quit my job, I can’t really hope to afford to buy the Redskins from him, so I guess I’m just going to have to hunt him down and run him over with my car. (Disclaimer, KIDDING! I am not threatening anyone’s life nor well-being here. At least not officially. Also: please don’t sue me, Mr. Snyder.)

I also don’t really like skinny jeans on guys. Or cats. I don’t like cats. So should my new life’s mission should be to eradicate cats and men in skinny jeans? hmmmm….. OK maybe it should. Who knew?

If you don’t like your job, quit.

OK, so this is where things start breaking down. Are they suggesting I default on my mortgage? Ain’t no way doing what I love is gonna net me the kinda cash I make at my current place of employment. Plus, nobody likes working for a living. Nobody. People who say they do are liars. People tolerate their jobs. That’s as good as it gets with very few exceptions.

On top of that, there’s a lot of shit in this world that needs getting done that nobody wants to do. If the people doing those jobs all up and quit this world would suck way more than it already does.

This statement is just irresponsible and dumb.

If you don’t have enough time, stop watching TV.

There aren’t enough hours in a day to watch the amount of TV I want to watch, so I should stop watching TV to be able to watch more TV?  This makes no sense whatsoever. Fucking morons.

If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love.

First of all: “THEY"??? Am I a reverse Mormon? Is a harem of men just waiting to do my bidding? Holy shit, that sounds freaking awesome!

But hold on a sec…

Are these men just stalking me waiting to pop out of the shadows the day I get my shit together? That sounds pretty fucking creepy if you ask me.  Dammit, now I’m going to be a paranoid mess.  Thanks a lot, Holstee you motherfuckers.

Stop Overanalyzing

Why? This is what smart people do. Stupid people under-analyze things and get killed doing stupid shit that they should have analyzed more carefully before doing.

All Emotions are Beautiful

Oh really? Well how about psychotic rage? I guarantee you that nobody on the other side of that axe-wielding emotion stops to admire its beauty.

When you eat, appreciate every last bite.

Oh I do. I appreciate the fuck outta a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips. It’s only after that last bite that I start hating myself.

Life is Simple

So this is just dumb. Life is only simple for simple people. And “simple” is just a polite way of saying "moronic". Then again, if ignorance is bliss…. Eh. I’m still going with my first statement. This is just dumb.

Open your mind, arms and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences.

OK, I can dig re: new things but notsomuch people. As a general rule people suck. I suck. You suck. We all suck. THIS is what unites us. And then we bond together in groups of people with similar types of suckitude. Why would I want to mingle with other groups? That’s like introducing an unnecessary contagion into an already shitty little mixture.

Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them.

The fuck you say? No thank you.  I’ll pass on this one. Most people have some fucked up shit going on in those squirrely little heads of theirs (notice the correct use of plural pronouns here v. the incorrect use of them in the manifesto) and I don’t want some yayhoo stealing my dreams and passing them off as his own. Fuck that noise.

Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself

Well thanks to your previous suggestion, I’ve just quit my job and can’t fucking afford to travel. Also, I have genius level spatial skills. I don’t get lost because I know how to read a map.

Some opportunities only come once, seize them.

Well this might be true, but it’s probably prudent to be a bit selective here. After a rather unsatisfying one night stand, I had the opportunity to provide the young gent with the means to call me again. I didn’t seize that one. I’m certain I’m better off for it.

Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them so go out and start creating.

Up until now I haven’t complained about the horrible punctuation. I tend to be comma happy so it’d be much like a pot/kettle thing, but the comma in the above statement irks me to no end. No end I tell you! Regardless, I think this is telling me I need to go out and make babies. If that’s the case everyone on this planet should be happy I’m not heading this advice. I also think that this would be better worded as follows: “Life is about meeting people and fucking like rabbits.”

Live is short.

Maybe, but it’s the longest thing you’ll ever do. Also: cliché much?

Live your dream and share your passion.

Anyone remember the theme song to Flashdance? I know I’m dating myself here, but I’m sure some of you remember. Well, there’s a line in it that says, “Take your passion and make it happen.” One of my friends thought the words were “Take your pants down and make it happen.” I prefer my friend’s version. I don’t think I need to elaborate any further here.