At some point in your life you are forced to realize that more of your life is behind you than in front of you. Obviously you never really know for sure when you’re gonna kick it, but statistically speaking here in the US, the average life expectancy is around 80 (technically 78ish, but let’s be optimistic and round up). As a side note, the country with the lowest life expectancy is Afghanistan at 44. Fucking 44. How shitty and depressing is that? That would mean I’d likely be dead in 5 years if I wasn’t dead already.

Regardless, as it stands, on the eve of the eve of my 40th birthday all evidence, statistical or otherwise, seems to indicate that it’s probable that half of my life lies in the past. And truth be told, possibly a lot more than half given my lifestyle of sloth, recklessness, and shitty eating habits. Also, I’m sure there are several people out there who’d take some pleasure in offing me if given the chance.

Anyway, when you reach these points in your life where you are suddenly faced with the harsh reality surrounding your own mortality, you often wonder whether you’ve lived it to its fullest and all that happy-assed introspective bullshit. And I can say without a doubt that for a majority of you, if you say “yes” you are fucking delusional.

In the grand scheme of things we are all just a bunch of selfish assholes doing selfish asshole things and interacting with other selfish assholes to help magnify our selfish assholery….

So what if you recycle and belong to a co-op? So what if you give blood on a regular basis and donate to [insert trendy charity o’the week here]? You’re still most likely a selfish asshole. Perhaps less so than some, but it’s kinda like being the skinniest person at fat camp or the most sane person in the asylum. You’re still a fat fuck or a crazy-ass bastard and the fact that you aren’t the fattest/craziest just means that you’re stuck in your own mediocrity and maybe you should try harder to excel at the things you know you can excel at.

That’s why my new goal in life is to be the biggest, most selfish asshole on the planet!

Because the true issue here is all about excellence, isn’t it? Most of you have never really exceled at anything, have you? You might be good at some things, but what are you great at? Everyone wants to be great at something and maybe that’s what we spend our lives trying to do. And if you’re not trying to be great at something, then what’s the point of your existence, really?

I dunno. Do you? I suppose I’ve reached a point in my life where I’ve realized that perhaps there is no point. Things sorta come around full circle, don’t they? I seem to have gone from existentialist angsty teenaged asshole to a manic career-driven professional, to an existentialist angsty middle-aged asshole.

Man, I really need a new hobby. I think it’s a toss up between ugly latch-hook rug maker competitive eater, or belly button lint collector…

Or perhaps I need to put a little more thought into this….