March 19, 2011
1.
Make sure that nothing is "your job."
It doesn't matter what
someone asks you to do, tell them that it's not your job. People like to
feel needed and this is a great opportunity to make them feel loved!
When you successfully delegate your responsibilities to someone else make sure
that you criticize the piss poor job that they did. Everyone needs some
constructive criticism to become a better person right? And they will
surely thank you for it, especially if you work words and phrases like
"moron", "half-assed", "incompetency at its best"
and "useless piece of shit" into your critique. Sigh loudly and
tell them that you are ONLY one person and must you do everyone else's job for
them in order for anything to get done correctly ?
Remember: it's not how important you are; it's how important you make people
believe you are.
2. Ask the same question over and over again.
Act like it's the
first time you've asked it every single time. If anyone mentions that
you've asked this question before, deny it vehemently and berate them ("No
I didn't. Why would I do such a thing? And even if I did, (which I
didn't) you obviously didn't answer it adequately. Why can't a person ask
a simple question and get a simple answer? Is that too much to ask
for? I swear to GOD I'm surrounded by fucking imbeciles! ")
Don't even bother to ask the questions in different ways. Do this several
times in one day for the full effect. If you have lackeys, also
have each of them ask the question for you. Everyone LOVES having
multiple people ask them the same exact question over and over and over again!
3. Make sure you schedule all your meetings first thing in the morning on
Mondays or at the end of the day on Friday.
Take advantage of mornings
right after a holiday or afternoons right before a holiday. Make people come in
early or stay late for these meetings. Show up late to these
meetings.... Or even better, don't show up at all. Give someone a call 5
minutes into the meeting with some made up emergency regarding Stan your
beloved pet tarantula who was looking a bit peaked this morning and tell them
to carry on without you even though you really really REALLY wanted to be
there. They will appreciate your sacrifice.
4. Ask everyone how much they make.
People LOVE to talk about stuff
like that. If they tell you mention that you heard that the Phil the paid summer intern is making AT LEAST
twice that and muse aloud to yourself about whether or not the rumors about
Phil screwing the CFO are indeed true... Tell everyone how much everyone
else makes. If you don't know, make shit up. Never tell anyone how
much you make, but make it perfectly clear to everyone you talk to that it's
more than they make. Much more. So much more that you are really
embarrassed to tell them, even though obviously YOU are worth such a grand
salary... not to say that they aren't but, well, you know, you ARE a
superstar and maybe (just maybe) they might be able to attain your level of
greatness (as soon as they stop fucking up the work that you pawn off on them,
that is...)
5. The blame game!
Ever played this? It's good clean fun for
EVERYONE!!! Throw people under the bus whenever you are given the
opportunity.... Actually you know what? Why throw people under the bus
when you can get behind the wheel of that mofo and plow the bus over anyone and
everyone that gets in your way. I mean really, they are all just human
speed bumps on your road to success and greatness. Besides, people love
games. Games are FUN! AND they will love you for playing along with
them. Anyway, similar to nothing being "your job" obviously nothing
is your fault either, right? I mean how could anything ever be your
fault, what with everyone else's inability to do your job properly, answer
questions properly, or be gracious about attending your meetings that you so
carefully plan. Man, you work with a bunch of assholes, don't you?
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