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How to Endear Yourself to Coworkers

March 19, 2011

1.  Make sure that nothing is "your job."

It doesn't matter what someone asks you to do, tell them that it's not your job.  People like to feel needed and this is a great opportunity to make them feel loved!    When you successfully delegate your responsibilities to someone else make sure that you criticize the piss poor job that they did.  Everyone needs some constructive criticism to become a better person right?  And they will surely thank you for it, especially if you work words and phrases like "moron", "half-assed", "incompetency at its best" and "useless piece of shit" into your critique.  Sigh loudly and tell them that you are ONLY one person and must you do everyone else's job for them in order for anything to get done correctly ?  Remember: it's not how important you are; it's how important you make people believe you are. 

2.  Ask the same question over and over again. 

Act like it's the first time you've asked it every single time.  If anyone mentions that you've asked this question before, deny it vehemently and berate them ("No I didn't.  Why would I do such a thing?  And even if I did, (which I didn't) you obviously didn't answer it adequately.  Why can't a person ask a simple question and get a simple answer?  Is that too much to ask for?  I swear to GOD I'm surrounded by fucking imbeciles! ")   Don't even bother to ask the questions in different ways.  Do this several times in one day for the full effect.   If you have lackeys, also have each of them ask the question for you.  Everyone LOVES having multiple people ask them the same exact question over and over and over again!

3.  Make sure you schedule all your meetings first thing in the morning on Mondays or at the end of the day on Friday. 

Take advantage of mornings right after a holiday or afternoons right before a holiday. Make people come in early or stay late for these meetings.   Show up late to these meetings.... Or even better, don't show up at all.  Give someone a call 5 minutes into the meeting with some made up emergency regarding Stan your beloved pet tarantula who was looking a bit peaked this morning and tell them to carry on without you even though you really really REALLY wanted to be there.  They will appreciate your sacrifice.

4.  Ask everyone how much they make. 

People LOVE to talk about stuff like that.  If they tell you mention that you heard that the Phil the paid summer intern is making AT LEAST twice that and muse aloud to yourself about whether or not the rumors about Phil screwing the CFO are indeed true...  Tell everyone how much everyone else makes.  If you don't know, make shit up.  Never tell anyone how much you make, but make it perfectly clear to everyone you talk to that it's more than they make.  Much more.  So much more that you are really embarrassed to tell them, even though obviously YOU are worth such a grand salary... not to say that they aren't but, well, you know,  you ARE a superstar and maybe (just maybe) they might be able to attain your level of greatness (as soon as they stop fucking up the work that you pawn off on them, that is...)

5.  The blame game! 

Ever played this?  It's good clean fun for EVERYONE!!!  Throw people under the bus whenever you are given the opportunity.... Actually you know what?  Why throw people under the bus when you can get behind the wheel of that mofo and plow the bus over anyone and everyone that gets in your way.  I mean really, they are all just human speed bumps on your road to success and greatness.  Besides, people love games.  Games are FUN!  AND they will love you for playing along with them.  Anyway, similar to nothing being "your job" obviously nothing is your fault either, right?  I mean how could anything ever be your fault, what with everyone else's inability to do your job properly, answer questions properly, or be gracious about attending your meetings that you so carefully plan.  Man, you work with a bunch of assholes, don't you?