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How to be an Executive

March 20, 2011

So first and foremost, the less you actually do the better, because if you actually do something you might fuck it or something else up, so it's better that you pretend as if you are doing things when in reality you are doing jack shit. 

The best way to provide the perception that you are doing things is to attend lots and lots of meetings.  Form committees and subcommittees if you have to.  Make other people invite you to their meetings even if they have nothing to do with your particular area of expertise (well, let's face it you are an executive which inherently means that you have no area of expertise other than attending meetings and doing nothing, so you are more than qualified to attend any meeting, right?).  

Schedule these meetings so that they overlap so that you can tell everyone in one meeting, "I have to run to this other meeting.  I'm double booked, but my schedule is so full this was the only time I could do this."  This serves two purposes: 1) it demonstrates to everyone how incredibly important and valued you are because you, my friend, are in fact THE SHIT! and 2) it allows you to leave a meeting before anything is finalized, which means you don't have to make any real decisions, so if/when the wrong decision is made you can blame others.  "Hey, I wasn't there when that was decided.  Don't look at me.  Had I been there I would have told them it was a boneheaded decision.  Christ almighty can't people do anything without me???? Do I need to carry this entire company on my back?   Am I the only competent person here?"

Well because your entire day.  Nay.  Your entire purpose in life is to attend meetings, you can't manage your schedule on your own.  I mean that's really hard work which of course is the antonym for executive. Executive and hard work? You can barely say those words together with a straight face AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.......... Ahem... but I digress.  Managing your busy schedule requires complex algorithms and negotiations that quite frankly you don't have time for, what with all your meetings and all (and let's face it, you aren't smart enough to manage your own schedule anyway, because if you were competent enough to actually get things done, you'd be one of those poor low-paid "individual contributor" fools.  What morons ! Don't they know that the path to the top was pure and unadulterated incompetence?  Meh - fuck 'em.  Let those ignorant peons rot down there in the bowels of corporate mid-level hell.).  You need an executive admin who can do all of your meeting scheduling for you.  Plus, it makes you sound
über important when you tell people, "Just call my admin.  S/he'll set it all up."  (Disclaimer: in reality, saying this makes you sound like an asshat to most people, but you don't care.  They're just jealous because they don't have executive admins.  Fuck them.  They aren't called executive admins for nothing.  You can't just pull any old schmuck off the street and make them an executive.  YOU are something special.  YOU deserve an admin.  YOU are not just any old schmuck.  You're an executive schmuck goddammit!  And that is the most specialist kind of schmuck of all!)

So once you have your executive admin, you can also make him/her write and send out all your emails for you.  Nothing says "personal touch" like getting an email from your admin's email address with your copied and pasted signature in it. Why bother hiring an admin smart enough to be able to actually set up his/her email so at least it looks like the emails are coming directly from you?  That's just silly - crazy talk, really.  Anyway, if people get emails from your admin on your behalf it further enforces the fact that you actually have an executive admin and they do not, thus increasing your air of importance.

OK, so you've got your executive admin and you've got your calendar filled up with meetings.  What else is there in executive life?  Well, truthfully not much EXCEPT for boondoggles (and in reality boondoggles are really like extended meetings anyway, right?).  Yay for boondoggles!

Now in order to do a boondoggle right, make sure that you arrange something in a really good location like Vegas or Maui or Palm Beach and make sure that your schedule is filled up with really important shit like tee times and expensive dinners with your "clients" who are in fact other executives just like you so that you can all sit around over cigars and a nice 30 year old single malt -‘cause the 50 year scotch would be a tad bit irresponsible and extravagant, even for you…. But then again you’re a fucking executive dammit!  And you deserve the best of the best don’t you?  Well don’t you???????? – aw screw the little people.   Order the 50 year scotch and laugh and laugh and laugh at all the poor slobs slaving away back in that sweatshop you call an office in order to pay your $5K bar tab. SUCKERS!