Blog Central‎ > ‎

Happy Lunar New Year!

posted Jan 23, 2012, 12:29 PM by Heather S   [ updated Jan 23, 2012, 12:42 PM ]

It's the year of the dragon, bitches!

Now’s your chance to make any resolutions you failed to make on Jan 1, but honestly, New Year’s resolutions are stupid anyway, no?  I mean, if you need to make changes in your life, why wait until Jan 1 to do it? If one day you suddenly realize that you’re a complete fuckup shouldn’t you try to remedy that as soon as you make this discovery?   Does it make any sense to just continue along your merry path of fuckupery fuckiing up even more shit until the first of the year? 

Of course not.

Regardless, if you’re not the person you want to be yet, then it’s a safe bet that you’re never going to be.  Let’s face it, most of you have pretty much cultivated the body and personality that you’re gonna have for the rest of your life, and it’s not gonna get any better.  It’s only gonna get worse. 

Oh sure, you can make a few small changes here and there.  Maybe you can stop stuffing your face long enough to lose 5 or 10 pounds.   Maybe you can take that class in creative ass scratching that you’ve already wanted to take.  Maybe you can take a stab at trying to reign in your spending on Cheetos and porn. 


But at the end of the day, how much have you really changed?   And is it really that much of an improvement? If you’re a dickwad today, you’ll be a dickwad tomorrow and most likely you’ll be an even bigger dickwad in a year.  Sure you might be a slightly lighter dickwad who can creatively scratch his as like a champ with a few extra bucks in his pocket, but you’ll still be a dickwad.   Some things just can’t be changed. 

It’s all about inertia, my friend.  And most of us are a bunch of weak-assed motherfuckers who are pretty much incapable of affecting the kind of change it would take to make any sort of discernable difference.

Case-in-point: me. 

Every year, come Jan 1, just so I’ll have something to tell the shit-ton of fuckwads asking me what my New Year’s resolution is, I “resolve” to be nicer to people.  Now, whether you actually know me for reals or just from this blog, you’ll realize this is pure absurdity.  Me?  Nicer to people? Ahahahahahahahahah.  Let’s pencil that in right after that snowboarding trip to hell.

So you might be inclined to think that I just say that I’m doing this without making any sort of actual attempt to follow through, but every year I actually do make a valiant effort to be nicer to people.  Well, “valiant” maybe a slight exaggeration, but if you catch me on/around Jan 2 or 3rd you might be one of the few who can bear witness to the kinder, gentler me.  Of course any other day of the year you get the same old ornery asshole that everyone else gets the pleasure of meeting.

So you might now ask, what then is the point?

And my response to that might be: Are you a fucking moron?  There is no goddamned point.  Try and keep up here. 

Anyway, my window of niceness came and went this year in the blink of an eye leaving no residual evidence behind that it ever really happened.   You’ll just have to take my word for it. 

Maybe if you catch me early next year, you’ll sniff out a subtle whiff of sweetness in the air, but until then you’re pretty much stuck with bitter old me, though on the flip side of that, you probably aren’t any kinda picnic either.

Maybe next year we should just all resolve not to make any resolutions.