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Happy Land Beaver Day!

posted Feb 2, 2012, 11:15 AM by Heather S   [ updated Feb 5, 2012, 12:16 PM ]

Who knows how many different fucking names there are out there for what is commonly known as the groundhog? 


Well, let me enlighten you with a few:
  • groundhog
  • woodchuck
  • whistle pig (WTF?)

and everyone's favorite <insert drum roll please>

Land Beaver!  Holy shit, why didn't this one catch on?  From this day forth, I declare that this should be the official name.

But seriously, how did the other names come about anyway?  Groundhog?  Whistle Pig?  What part of this animal looks porcine?  (For the idgits out there, "porcine" = pig-like.)  I mean, I realize that some of them are little fat fuckers, but come on... if we used that same logic, "groundhog" would also be a fitting name for humans.

And when have you ever seen one of these animals chuck wood?  They have tiny little paws and short stubby arms.  They aren't chucking jack shit.  They probably couldn't hurl an acorn more than a couple of inches. 

Regardless, for those of you unaware, Land Beavers are actually a type of ground squirrel... indeed they are merely chunky squirrels with stumpy little tails.  One might say that they are the Samoans of the squirrel world.  Though technically I guess the world's fattest nation is Nauru, but nobody's ever heard of that fucking place.  Though if you're interested (or even if you're not). Nauru is a Pacific Island with a 95% overweight/obesity rate.  But don't be feeling too superior just yet.  The US isn't too far behind at about 75%. (Samoa is at about 80%.)

But getting back on topic, they're also mean, nasty little fuckers - Land Beavers I mean, not Samoans nor Naruans nor Americans.

In any event, it looks like that little land beaver fucker saw his shadow today, so if you're a moron who believes that a random rodent can predict the future based on stupid made-up completely bullshit criteria, it looks like we're in for 6 more weeks of winter...