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Fucking Magnets - How Do They Work?

posted Nov 14, 2011, 9:31 AM by H3ATHER S   [ updated Nov 14, 2011, 12:05 PM by Heather S ]

Is it that birds of a feather flock together or is it that opposites attract?  I suppose it’s perhaps a little bit of both.  I need to have something in common with someone to get along, but at the same time if I were forced to hang out with an entire posse of me, I’d end up killing everyone.   Lord knows I am not a bundle of joy to be around.  It shocks the shit out of me that I have the friends that I do (fucking masochists…).   It shocks me even more that I’ve been able to cultivate the romantic relationships that I have, albeit said relationships have been very limited and few and far between (again: fucking masochists).

But one thing that has become abundantly clear to me is that heartless bastards like me don’t mesh well with other heartless bastards.  Though perhaps “heartless” is a misnomer.  I can’t speak for anyone else, but it’s not that I’m completely heartless.  It’s just that I’m un-emoting.  

There’s a difference, you know.

A HUGE difference….

Dammit, there IS!  Stop rolling your eyes at me!

Eh, it’s not worth explaining if you don’t get it, but there is a difference.

Regardless, it seems to me that people seek other people out, not only because they have some things in common, but also because those other people may have qualities that they themselves may not possess.

Now, I’m not saying that because I’m a supergenius, I’m going to be seeking out morons, or that I’m going to be seeking out Quasimodos because I’m sensationally attractive.   I’m just saying that sometimes it’s nice to be with someone who has qualities that you don’t have.  Maybe you’re an introvert and you are therefore attracted to extroverts.  Or maybe you’re somewhat miserly with your affections and therefore like being with people who are not… though truth be told, I’ve had friends that are big huggers and I deal with it, but I honestly wish they were less huggy – I refrain from slapping them away when they come at me with their open arms and sappy “I love you, man” expressions because I’ve found that a lot of people take such things wayyyyyyy too personally, but let me set the record straight: just because I don’t want to hug your ass every time I fucking see you does NOT mean I don’t like you.  All it means is I don’t want to have to hug your ass every time I fucking see you.  I mean, honestly… hugging is a worthless gesture unless there’s making out involved and/or someone gets to cop a feel.  Am I right? 

As a side note, what’s the deal with complete strangers hugging each other?  I feel like this is becoming more and more prevalent and accepted in society and quite frankly I don’t like it.  I don’t like it at all.  I don’t let people I’ve known for YEARS invade my personal space like that.  I’m not going to let some random stranger do it, regardless of how excited they are to meet me.   Who knows what kind of cooties they’re bringing to the table?  I don’t need their bacteria-laden bodies pressed up against mine.   Though I have observed that people find it somewhat off-putting when I hold up a hand in protest as they are going in for the old squeeze o’ death (and even more off-putting if I add a, "Whoa now.  Not so fast.  You can just back the fuck off there, Sparky.") so I’ve found that the best way to combat this is to make yourself as rigid as possible so that it’s like trying to hug an inanimate object -  which also works well in other situations where you thought someone was gonna be all that but they ended up soooo not measuring up to expectations (if you know what I mean) and you just want that person to hurry the fuck up and just finish already so you can stealthily slip away, delete your number off their phone and get the hell outta dodge while they're sleeping off their one-sided post-coital bliss and....

....dammit where was I again?  Oh yeah - warding off huggers....

So, uh....people generally don’t hold onto a hug for very long if they sense you’re not as into it as they are. But if this still doesn’t deter them and they continue to hold on for an unreasonably long period of time (i.e., more than a fraction of a second), it helps if you try and struggle against them a bit, though this is a last resort because again, people often don’t take too kindly to having a hand pressed against the side of their head as you’re trying to wrestle yourself away from their vice-like grip. 

To provide an analogous frame of reference, I suppose I feel like I'm the cat in a world of Pepe le Pews…. STOP THE MADNESS PEOPLE!  Hugging, much like the term “I love you” (which has been overused to the point that it's completely meaningless from most people), should be reserved for that select group of people in your life that you actually love.  And for me this consists of like 3 people… ok 2… well 1… um can I count myself as someone I love?

ANYWAY, after that huge digression within a digression…. the point is, that if you wanted or needed someone exactly like you there really would be no point, would there?  I mean let’s face it.  We all can get the job done ourselves.  We don’t really need help in that arena (or at least most of us don’t), so why would we want to spend the rest of our lives, or even extended periods of time, with someone just like us?

Variety is the spice of life, no?

Well… upon further thought, maybe it’s just that nobody would want to spend extended periods of time with someone just like ME.  Maybe that’s the true issue here.  And maybe that’s why I’m smack in the middle of life and haven’t found anyone who wants to spend the rest of his/her (I won’t discriminate at this point) life with me.

But why not? Am I really that much of a pariah?

  • Smart?  Check!
  • Funny?  eh... sorta.  Right?
  • Attractive?  Well… I’d like to think so, but I ain’t getting any younger…. Let’s just say I’m somewhere above average.  Maybe.  Perhaps?  Fuck.  I’m screwed aren’t I?
  • Good personality?  Ok, so this is where things start to really go to hell in a hand basket. 
  • Lovable? Fucking dammit…

Well, there’s always crazy cat lady to aspire to… um… if cats didn’t make me to in to anaphylaxis….

I guess I’ll have to resort to hoarding instead.