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Ever meet a real adult?

posted May 19, 2011, 11:16 AM by Heather S   [ updated Jun 17, 2011, 11:38 AM by H3ATHER S ]

Another belief of mine; that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.
- Margaret Atwood

I’ve been a legal adult for a long, long, LONG time but I’m still sort of waiting for that magical moment where I become a true adult.  I’m not quite sure when it’s supposed to happen.  I always figured there’d be some sort of catalyst and I’ve narrowed down several things that were NOT that catalyst, which include:

  • Turning 18 – Absolutely not.  There’s no way you can be an adult if you can’t legally drink.
  • Turning 21 – Uh, no.  Witness virtually every American’s 21st birthday and you will conclude (as I did) that this may actually be a huge reversion in adulthood.
  • Getting a real job – Haha.  Yeah.  Right.  It’s amazing how juvenile people are in the corporate world.
  • Getting Married – When I got married it was just a union of two immature asshats which made for one mega dose of immature asshattery…
  • Turning 25 – Woo hoo! I can rent a car without a penalty!  But alas, still not an adult…
  • Buying a house – Holy shit we have money!  Let’s spend it on something really really big and really really expensive that we may never really truly “own”!  And let’s buy a pool table and a ridiculously large TV so that all we can afford is IKEA® furniture , 1 bean bag chair that we fight over, and a futon… um… yeah no…clearly still not an adult.
  • Having a kid – I’ve not had one, so I’ll let you know if/when it happens, though after studying many of my friends who do have kids,  I suspect it won’t really change my adult status (or non-status, if you will).
  • Turning 30 – You’d think this would do it, wouldn’t you?  It didn’t.
  • Getting divorced – Hellllllllllllls yeah! I’m freeeeeeeeeeeeeee to be as immature as I want!  It’s kid-in-a-candy-store time!  Again, another huge reversion in adulthood…
  •  Getting a really important job – So this one is tricky ‘cause now there’s this very serious, very responsible Bizzaro me that appears when it needs to in a Jekyll/Hyde sorta fashion and quite frankly, serious me sucks.  If I ever met serious me I’d want to kick my ass and you would too…
  • Turning 40 – Dunno, but I’ll let you know when it happens.  I suspect, however, that it will change absolutely nothing…

Regardless, if you have read any part of my website you’d know that I am pretty much the antithesis of an adult.  And yet, I’m still a relatively successful functioning member of society.  Is that a fluke?  Perhaps, but I hope not. 

As I’m typing this, I’m popping a sheet of bubble wrap on my desk that I was saving, but it was just sitting there calling my name…..H3aaatttthhhheeeeer, come pop meeeeeee….. and I’m currently trying to resist the urge to throw it on the floor so I can jump on it…

Adults don’t jump on bubble wrap.  It wouldn’t even occur to adults to think about jumping on bubble wrap.   Adults are civil and mature and politically correct.  Adults don’t swear like sailors.  Adults don’t find silly juvenile humor funny…. though in my experience adults don’t find much of anything funny and the things that they do find funny aren’t very funny.

Here’s the thing.  My theory is that some people are just more prone to adult-ness than others.  Most of these people happen to be very uninteresting with nonexistent senses of humor.

So the true test is this:  if you’ve read through everything on this site and a) there’s nothing that you’ve found even remotely humorous; b) you’ve rolled your eyes several times at the immaturity of it all; and/or c) I’ve truly offended your sensibilities more than once, then you are, in fact, an adult.  Congratulations.  Now get the fuck off my site. 

So my very scientific conclusion is this: adults aren’t actually people who are “grown up”.   You can probably be an adult at any age.  Adults are people who suck the fun out of life.   Adults are people who suck in general.  And adults are people who have chosen to take life way too seriously.

As cliché as it sounds, life’s too short.  Go photocopy your ass*.   Find something ridiculously juvenile but ridiculously funny and laugh until you can’t breathe.  Go jump on some bubble wrap.  

It might just make your day.

In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

*Disclaimer – do this at your own risk.  I’m not responsible for your acts if you work for adult assholes and this is grounds for firing you.