March 21, 2011

First of all, ALWAYS dial in late.  I mean, why would you want to be the first one on the call?  Punctuality is for pussies, right?  So then, when they ask you to state your name so that peeps know who's joining the call, even though you've been on a BAZILLION conference calls using this same fucking system, forget that they ask you to do this every single fucking time you dial into a conference call so that we get something that's sounds like this when you join the call:

"..... [random keyboard typing sounds].....[off key humming of "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira]......[random paper shuffling].....oh..... er...... AHEM..... whoops.... It's [insert your name].... Sorry about that....I.... errrr.... Oh... OK.... Where's that pound key now?...has joined the conference."

Then after you've joined, speak REALLY REALLY loudly with your mouth almost touching the phone like you are talking to a 110 year old deaf woman with cotton in her ears and ask everyone to repeat everything they've talked about while you were gone:

"SORRY ABOUT THAT, GUYS!  I WAS IN A REALLY IMPORTANT MEETING" [i.e., more important than this one].  "OK, SO CAN WE START BACK AT THE BEGINNING?" [i.e., because I am still über important to this call and you people's lives - like sliced bread important.]

Then right after everyone starts back at the beginning for you, pull one of these:

"HEY!  GUYS?  GUYS?  I GOTTA JUMP OFF HERE FOR A MINUTE.  I'VE GOT ANOTHER CALL  COMING IN.   CAN YOU HANG ON FOR A SEC?  OR ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST CONTINUE ON WITHOUT ME. I’LL CATCH UP WITH YOU LATER.  OR MAYBE WE CAN SCHEDULE ANOTHER CALL?”  …Which I will also be late to and will use to waste more copious amounts of your time…

Then put everyone on hold so that nobody can hear each other over the hold music (see even though you told them to continue on so they could see what a wonderfully giving and nice person you are,  you really wanted to make all those poor unsuspecting peons wait for your ass since you are the most important person in the world, nay, THE UNIVERSE. And this is a good way to make sure that nobody says anything important while you're gone.... AHA!  See?  Sneaky sneaky, right?   Don't tell ME I've never let you in on some good secrets!).

So then when you finally get back on the call, tell them that you have another important meeting to run to (i.e., more important than this one) and ask someone to reschedule, but DO NOT volunteer to reschedule it yourself because YOU are way too important to have to do something like that.

And if you continue this habit, you’ll find that everyone who’s anyone will be wowed by your awesome conference call skillzzz.  Pretty soon you’ll be more popular at work than you could possibly imagine.  First, you’ll start to overhear your name mentioned in casual conversation and then eventually all water cooler talk will revolve around the magic that is YOU!  In fact people may consider you so special that you’ll be finding yourself acquiring a few new super cool nicknames!

Sky’s the limit from here, Asshat  (which is pronounced  ôs’hŏt and is Finnish for “Awesomely Hot!”).

Sky’s.

The.

Limit.

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