6 Reasons the Government Shutdown will be AWESOME!

(Reuters) My commute will be amazing! Now that every day is a Federal holiday, my commute should be the epitome of awesomeness.  (Side commentary: Why the fuck can’t people drive in the morning when it’s sunny outside?  On mornings when it’s sunny, I have to commute through fucking gridlock and then on days when it’s cloudy, everything’s A-OK.  It’s only the sun, people. It’s not death rays from heaven. Put your goddamned sun visor down and speed the fuck up.  The faster we get to work, the sooner we can go home.) I won’t have to schlep my mom around town for her birthday.  So, my mom has decided that for her birthday this year she wants all of her children cart her around town to all the museums and monuments. I can’t think of anything I’d like to do less, yet I agreed because I’m a gutless pussy wonderful child. My mom walks. So. Fucking.  Slow. It is physically impossible for me to walk this slow. Even if I give her a 30 second head start I’ll catch back up to her in two strides. Walking around the National Mall with my mom is going to be pure, unadulterated torture, but as long as the museums and monuments stay closed, I’ll be home free! Yay! Illegal hunting spree! Now’s my chance to shoot up the woods killing lotsa cute furry animals off season and without a license.  Yay, guns! Fuck Yeah! Fuck the IRS!  Hey, you IRS asshats, audit this! I was totally going to make an estimated tax payment as you suggest I do every year right after you ass rape me for making too much money, but sadly now I can’t.   Uncensored airwaves – let's flood the airwaves with sex, nudity, unadulterated violence and lots and lots of goddamned cursing. How much more entertaining would Judge Judy be if people could drop their drawers whilst dropping the F-bomb? Way more entertaining than it otherwise is, I’ll tell you that much.  Did anyone see that she’s the highest paid person on TV?  What kind of bullshit is that? What kind of bizarro, unjust world do we live in where Judge Judy gets paid more than Chumlee from Pawn Stars? I’m totally stealing me a motherfucking baby panda! So for those of you not in the know, the National Zoo has a new baby panda and there’s been a camera on that little fucker 24/7, but with the government shutdown, that camera  is no more. And you know what this means? It means I’m stealing me a motherfucking baby panda!