posted Oct 1, 2013, 8:33 AM by H3ATHER !
updated Oct 1, 2013, 8:50 AM
- My commute will be amazing! Now that every day is a Federal
holiday, my commute should be the epitome of awesomeness. (Side commentary: Why the fuck can’t people
drive in the morning when it’s sunny outside?
On mornings when it’s sunny, I have to commute through fucking gridlock
and then on days when it’s cloudy, everything’s A-OK. It’s only the sun, people. It’s not death rays
from heaven. Put your goddamned sun visor down and speed the fuck up. The faster we get to work, the sooner we can
- I won’t have to schlep my mom around town for her birthday. So, my mom has decided that for her birthday
this year she wants all of her children cart her around town to all the museums
and monuments. I can’t think of anything I’d like to do less, yet I agreed
because I’m a
gutless pussy wonderful child. My mom walks. So. Fucking. Slow. It is physically impossible for me to
walk this slow. Even if I give her a 30 second head start I’ll catch back up to
her in two strides. Walking around the National Mall with my mom is going to be
pure, unadulterated torture, but as long as the museums and monuments stay
closed, I’ll be home free!
- Yay! Illegal hunting spree! Now’s my chance to shoot up the woods
killing lotsa cute furry animals off season and without a license. Yay, guns! Fuck Yeah!
- Fuck the IRS! Hey, you IRS
asshats, audit this! I was totally going to make an estimated tax payment as you
suggest I do every year right after you ass rape me for making too much money,
but sadly now I can’t.
- Uncensored airwaves – let's flood the airwaves with sex, nudity,
unadulterated violence and lots and lots of goddamned cursing. How much more
entertaining would Judge Judy be if people could drop their drawers whilst
dropping the F-bomb? Way more entertaining than it otherwise is, I’ll tell you
that much. Did anyone see that she’s the
highest paid person on TV? What kind of
bullshit is that? What kind of bizarro, unjust world do we live in where Judge
Judy gets paid more than Chumlee from Pawn Stars?
- I’m totally stealing me a motherfucking baby panda! So for those of
you not in the know, the National Zoo has a new baby panda and there’s been a
camera on that little fucker 24/7, but with the government shutdown, that
camera is no more. And you know what
this means? It means I’m stealing me a motherfucking baby panda!