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5 Minutes Late is the New "On Time"

posted Mar 30, 2016, 5:33 AM by H3ATHER S   [ updated Jun 10, 2016, 9:55 AM by Heather S ]

Nobody is ever on time any more

Like never. What the fuck is wrong with people?

So, I quit my job a few weeks ago (another story meant for a different day, preferably one where my urge to write DIE, MOTHERFUCKER, DIE! over and over again on an effigy of my ex-boss has abated somewhat).

Anyway, I’ve had half a dozen phone interviews in the past couple of weeks and not one of them has called me when s/he said s/he was going to call me. Not one. At least once this meant sitting around for over an hour and for whatever reason, when I’m waiting for a phone call, I’m incapable of doing anything else for fear of missing the call, even though I realize that the whole purpose of mobile phones is that you can carry them around to wherever you want to go. I just don’t want to be sitting on the can or caught with a giant mouthful of food or in the middle of using power tools or standing in the checkout line at Target or on that 5th glass of scotch when the call comes in. (OK, so I don’t use power tools but everything else is completely plausible.) 

Yesterday, I was tasked with the calling bit. The call was scheduled for 2PM. I called at... fucking 2PM because that's when I was told to call. And what did I get? I got routed straight to motherfucking voicemail. And it wasn’t even a personalized voicemail and this is the founder and CEO of the company. I’ve never been a CEO but I feel like were that ever to occur, I’d probably personalize my voicemail, even if it was just, “Hello! You’ve reached the goddammed CEO of this motherfucker. I’m away doing important CEO shit, so leave a message, bee-yotch!” (Actually if I’m ever CEO of something, that’ll totally be my voicemail message. You heard it here first, folks!)

And this isn’t just a recent trend. It has gotten so bad that, when I was still employed, I would purposefully head to a meeting 5 minutes late because I KNEW nobody would be there on time. I hated myself for this, but the alternative would be sitting around by myself in a conference room wasting time with my dick in my hand (figuratively of course, since I don’t actually have a penis, in case you were wondering).

To add insult to injury on the day my ex-boss decided to demote me for no fucking reason - note here that he will maintain that it was technically not a demotion, but I will then maintain that he is a lying piece of shit who should be shot in the face – he was 15 minutes late for the meeting.  HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO BE ON TIME FOR THE 1-ON-1 MEETING THAT HE FUCKING SCHEDULED TO TELL ME HE WAS MAKING A DECISION TO SINGLE-HANDEDLY DESTROY MY CAREER. In fact, he was never on time for any meeting. Never. But then again, nobody is anymore, so I guess I can’t hate him for that….

Well, actually yes I can. I totally can. And I can also hate him for being a raging douchelord. Actually I can hate him for just existing. Breathing air. Walking on the same planet as me. Being born. Looking the way he does. Talking. Eating a fucking sandwich like that. Drinking goddammed water. That motherfucker. If only he'd stop drinking water maybe he'd fucking die! DIE, MOTHERFUCKER, DIE!!!!!

..but I digress....

Anyway, which is ruder: 1) having to cut people off and schedule a follow-up so you can be on time for your next meeting or 2) rolling in 15+ minutes late to a meeting with the excuse that your last meeting ran late, thus causing that meeting to run late and every meeting thereafter? Number 2, right?  Then why the fuck does everybody choose this course of action?  Because they’re assholes. We’ve become a society of inconsiderate assholes.

But this can stop here and now, people! Stop being assholes. Get your happy asses to meetings on time. And if you start getting to meetings on time, maybe everyone else will start doing it and then maybe one day your grandkids won't know what it's like to live in a world full of selfish, inconsiderate late-for-everything assholes and you can feel good about your contributions. Maybe the world will still be in shambles. Maybe the polar ice caps will be melted and maybe the terrorists will have won, but at least when you're waiting around for the world to end, you'll have the comfort of knowing it'll be on time.