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10 Things That Absolutely Require Talent

posted Jul 14, 2016, 11:09 AM by Heather S   [ updated Jul 14, 2016, 12:00 PM ]

This shit has been floating around LinkedIn and other social media sites for a while and I want to be the first person to officially call bullshit.

First of all, let’s get the definition of “talent”.  I’m going with this one: “natural aptitude or skill.” Got it?  Good. Let’s proceed.

  1. Being on time – One of my very best friends is completely incapable of being on time. She’s one of the smartest people I know. She has many talents. Being on time is not one of them. In fact whenever we schedule something I intentionally get there 15-30 minutes after the agreed-upon time, and 9 times out of 10 I STILL beat her. Clearly this is a talent and clearly she lacks it. 
  2. Worth Ethic – OK this one I will concede, but only because they don’t specify whether it’s a good work ethic or a bad work ethic. It is true though, it takes zero talent to have a shitty work ethic.
  3. Effort – So again, some people just lack this ability. Some people are just natural, lazy-ass, terrible, crybaby losers. And I would argue that some people are just mentally and sometimes physically incapable of putting in the effort to do certain things.
  4. Body Language – So THIS one is complete bullshit. And again, it doesn’t really specify positive or negative body language, but assuming they mean the ability to control your body language, why do some people just innately suck at poker? Because they can’t control their body language. This is ABSOLUTELY a skill… and more than that, it’s a skill that’s fucking hard to learn. If I hate someone, s/he knows it, just by the expression on my face. I can't hide that shit... on the other hand, I guess if I don't hate someone I generally have the same expression on my face, making the person think I hate him/her so there's that. But the point is, it takes talent to control these things. 
  5. Energy – Eh, maybe, but so what? Don’t you want to slap the shit out of energetic Bob in HR? Plus, it's highly probable that Bob has a raging meth habit. I think not being energetic is a good concession for not having meth mouth.
  6. Attitude – Chalk up one more without enough specificity. I like my bad attitude. It works for me. All you positive attitude assholes can hang out with Bob and his meth.
  7. Passion – Um yeah. Some of us are completely incapable of being passionate about anything. I could with a trillion dollars and find my soul mate at the exact same moment and you’d still get this: 😐.
  8. Being Coachable - I'm not sure that all people are coachable, especially if they have no talent at whatever it is they are being coached to do. You know how there was always that awkward kid in kickball who, no matter what he was told or taught, he could never actually kick the ball? He'd end up whiffing his foot over the ball and biting it or running and tripping over the ball and biting it, but even by the end of the school year his foot would never connect with the ball because he was un-coachable. He lacked that TALENT.
  9. Doing Extra – Ok, sure. This one takes no talent, but doing extra that is actually helpful to the goal does actually take some talent. I had a coworker who worked his ass off, creating documents and spreadsheets and other shit, but it was all fucking wrong and a waste of his time and anyone who was forced to try and make sense of his assy work.
  10. Being Prepared – Well, I guess you could always be prepared for something random, but it takes talent to be prepared for the right fucking thing. Like say you live in the Atacama desert. I don’t know that anyone actually lives there, but just go with me on this one. The Atacama desert gets like 1mm of rain a year. And let’s say that you decide to go Pokemon hunting and you bring your raincoat and a spoon. If it suddenly it starts raining or if a giant bowl of ice cream randomly appears, you are PREPARED. But you don’t bring your phone, or a map nor do you bring water. So you die and to add insult to injury you find zero Pokemons.